Infertility is

I have had many family members struggle with infertility and who needed to go through IVF and so I thought I understood what it was like. Before becoming an embryologist, this is what I thought infertility was:

• Crying every time you see a pregnancy announcement
• Crying when you see someone with a baby bump
• Trying not to cry until you get back to your car after your appointments
• Deciding you can’t actually go to that baby shower or visit that friend that has just given birth because you know you will cry

It wasn’t until I became an embryologist that I learnt it is incredibly more complicated than this. From an embryologist view point, I see multiple different patient issues all at the same time and so many people do not realise all the possible facets of infertility. Here is what infertility also can be:

• Dealing with appointments and tests before you can even get referred to a specialist
• Dealing with cancelled cycles and poor stimulation (I bet you didn’t know that the drugs might not actually work for some people – this was me)
• Fitting in bloods, scans and appointments around your work schedule
• Learning to administer injections to yourself. Multiple injections
• Learning to manage different medications that all have different doses, times and methods of administration
• Dealing with the fact you didn’t get as many eggs collected as you thought you would or not get the fertilisation you hoped for
• Stressing over your embryo development or thaw result and hoping to God you have something good enough for a transfer
• Hating the fact that your partner doesn’t seem as stressed about this as you are
• Laying in stirrups with your legs open wide trying not to cry as they put the embryo in
• Dealing with progesterone suppositories or injections and their shitty side effects for weeks
• Pinning over every cramp and twinge during the TWW and cursing the fact that progesterone side effects are the same as pregnancy symptoms
• Spending tens of thousands of dollars, and realising it might be for nothing
• And this isn’t even mentioning the embryo loss, pregnancy loss and baby loss that unfortunately so many women suffer from

So here is what I have learnt:

• Infertility is realising there are so many steps along the way that you may hit a road block
• Infertility is getting results you were NOT hoping for
• Infertility is changing your plan a dozen times because something else popped up in your results that you now have to deal with
• Infertility is struggling to cope with poor results
• Infertility is struggling with your relationship
• Infertility is struggling with loss: (the loss of pregnancy, loss of embryos, loss of feeling in control, loss of happiness, loss of relationships)

Personally, I myself struggled to conceive. I have anovulation due to PCOS, high AMH, high LH, and I had undergone a prior abdominal surgery (for nothing reproductive related) which I knew potentially left me with abdominal adhesions that my specialist said may affect my fertility. I did not need to have IVF (I was lucky enough with tracked cycles with ovulation induction) however trying to conceive still deeply affected myself and also my relationship.

Infertility for me:

• Was being scared of the drugs being too strong and being devastated when they didn’t work at all
• Was telling my husband I wasn’t going on family holiday with him because I wanted him to freeze his sperm so I could do IUI
• Was spending every spare minute googling what I could do to increase my chances (I have a masters degree in Reproductive Medicine, yet I was convinced I’d find a secret trick – I didn’t)
• Was hating my husband for being too tired to have sex with me on the first time in months that I was actually ovulating. I may or may not have googled divorce lawyers that night.
• Was holding up a pregnancy test to a torch to see if there was possibly a shadow of a line
• Was trying my hardest not to pee for hours so my urine could be stronger so I might see a line on my next test
• Was bulk-buying pregnancy tests on eBay to test out my trigger injection

Was breaking down in a department store when I got the call that our first clomid cycle didn’t work. I know it doesn’t always work. I know people can have an embryo put right in there and not get pregnant. But to find out I had ovulated with a good follicle and good hormone levels and had sex at the right time and been on fertility drugs with trigger injection and progesterone and it didn’t work was just devastating.

And now I realise this is absolutely minimal compared to anyone going through fertility treatments such as IUI or IVF. Each journey is different and there is no benefit to comparing it to others unless to offer support or seek guidance.

To me, it felt like I was the only one. I realise now that no one is alone in this.

The roadblocks you face have been faced my millions of women before you and all these struggles are preparing you and strengthening you for the next part of your journey. How about we embrace these struggles, and use them to support the other people also having those same struggles? On that note, please know this:

Infertility also is: becoming the strongest version of yourself because you literally have no other option (You may not feel this yet. You will.)

Written by Kristen Jones